In 2nd grade, I was in the gifted class. They had us do weird little tasks just to see what we'd do or say. One of them was writing down what our plan was for the future. In 2nd grade.They asked us to plan for our future.
I still have the little piece of paper in my trunk, actually. I mostly made an outline for myself, and then a timeline. By 16 I wanted to work at McDonald's so that I could get assistance for college by the time I graduated at 18. (Yes I wrote that down in 2nd grade) I didn't write down what I wanted to study, but allowed myself 4 years in college for whatever it was. From there I allowed myself one year to get a career job, and until I was 27 to be in a secure position in that job. Then I just wrote "Marriage. Kids. Mid-life crisis." In the next three year slots. After year 30, I didn't write anything for myself, more-or-less just explaining that the rest of my years would be for my children.
2nd grade. That's like...7 years old?
Well, I can tell you that I am currently 26 years old. I didn't work in McDonald's at 16. I babysat at age 15, then got my first real paycheck while in college at 19. It was Taco Bell. I did 2 years of college in Computer Animation before I ran out of funds, talent, and aspiration. That next year, 3 of my programming classes were removed from the curriculum as obsolete. I was 21. Since then I've had 3 different jobs. One in management, all in retail. I currently work at Kmart in the jewelry and clothing department. Perhaps those watching the stock market understand Kmart's situation.
To make myself feel better about my disappointments, I was planning on rushing off to New Zealand. A new aspiration. A goal. A dream. Something to spark that fire within and get me looking in my desired field again. I was drawing for a children's book. I was networking. I was designing characters again.
But...you know, life always happens. Reality swoops in and you can either let it embrace you or jump off the cliff in fright of it. Death and Dementia to be specific. It seems I have been rooted to the spot. My chill, my joy, my sense of adventure. None of it felt important. I wake, I take care of my family, I work, I come home, I eat, I sleep.
Now and then money is still put away. The trip has now become a tour. January, not November. No con send off. No house to buy, job to attain. I'll go and see another country, though. Hopefully it will get it out of my system. I'll return and dream smaller. I'll get my own place and keep working and just...contribute to society.
I can't help but feel sometimes that I'm letting little 7 year old me down. I mean, technically I still have one year until I'm 27. I could...get back on track...but only if the stars align. Only if I can light a fire to my ass and kick it up a notch or three.
I left deviantart for about 3 months. In that time, nothing's gotten better so...it's safe to say dA wasn't as much of a hindrance on my psyche as I originally assumed. However...upon my return, know this:
- My laptop has finally died. I am using my mother's laptop. No art programs installed...
- I will NOT be going onto Skype
- Note rps are back-logged, sorry. Working on it.
- I DO have steam, but cannot dl games to this comp
I'm no longer here to escape. I'm here to hone my skills. I will most likely not be online as often as before, however I am still very interested in rping, as it always sparks new characters and worlds in my mind.
If you read all of this, thanks.
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